Jenn Howe

Teenagers:  masters of bullshit.

Here are a few recent conversations between myself and Lana, my 14-year-old daughter.  You have to excuse her.  Due to hormones, she has temporarily gone FULL-TILT STUPID.

CONVERSATION #1:

Lana:  “You and Dad are sooooooo mean!  None of the other kids have that rule.  None of my friends have such strict parents.  NOBODY I know has limits like this!!!”

Me:  “We aren’t here to make you ‘just like everybody else’.  We’re here to care for you and teach you.  Why would you want to be boring and the same as everyone else, anyway?  If everyone went and jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too?!”

Lana:  (completely serious, after sitting and thinking quietly for a few minutes)  “Ummmm….probably.  Yeah.”

CONVERSATION #2

Lana:  “Can I have some McDonald’s for supper tonight?”

Me:  “Hell no.  I don’t want you eating fast food and junk food all the time.  You need some good food in your body.  We’ll go home and I’ll make you a healthy meal.”

Lana:  (disgusted)  “WHY?”

Me:  “Uhhhh…Duh.  Because I LOVE you????….”

 Lana:  (totally angry)  “Well, you just need to stop loving me so much then.”

CONVERSATION #3

Me:  “What day is this school project due?”

Lana:  “I don’t know.”

Me:  “Well…what kind of materials will you need?”

Lana:  “I don’t know.”

Me:  “Where are your instructions?”

Lana:  “I don’t know.”

Me:  “Well what did the teacher say?”

Lana:  “I don’t know.”

Me:  “Creeping Christ!  Do you know what your name is?  Do you know where you live?….”

Lana:  “I don’t know.”

HO.  LEE.  SHIT.

Don’t be jealous.  You, too, can live the dream.  Sarcasm, ingratitude, anger, insanity — these gifts and many more can be YOURS, should you decide to grow a teenager.

**still the love of my life, God help me.