So I woke up the other day, and I realized that I’m basically The Crypt Keeper now…
Goodbye, my youth. 👋🏼 I’m closing in on HALF A CENTURY, and I’m having very mixed feelings about it all.
On the one hand, I’m sad to watch my physical form change for the worse as I become more beautiful on the INSIDE. What a cruel trick of nature, that the outer part must wither and die just as the inner part flourishes.
On the other hand, there is relief in leaving behind my youthful body/face, because most of the people who “liked” or “loved” me in my youth did not actually care about me at all — they only liked the romanticized “idea” of me, or the “look” of me…even many of the females in my life.
And for God’s sake, it will be nice for the throngs of selfish, greedy MEN to leave me alone…so many men only wanted to sleep with me and/or to “own” me…so long as I continued to look the way they want, of course. 🙄 And they didn’t even try to hide the fact. They didn’t treat me like a human being. They didn’t care about my thoughts, my opinions, my desires…they treated me like a THING.
And before some person comes at me (probably a guy, trying to “mansplain” to me) saying that “it’s not bad to notice someone’s beauty, or to fall for them as a result of that attraction,” let me stop you before you start. In very plain language ⬇️ …
To notice or appreciate beauty = perfectly fine. We all do it. To be attracted to someone physically — to begin with — and to get to know them on a deeper level with time = also perfectly fine. But what I’m talking about, and what I’ve often dealt with in my life, is NOT fine….and that’s when they care about nothing EXCEPT your physical form, and that fact does NOT change over time, and they DON’T appreciate you or care anything about you apart from that. It’s called total objectification, and it is decidedly NOT FINE. We are all more than what we look like, but too many people in today’s society are sick with the disease of being blind to everything outside of what they consider “pretty” or “handsome” — Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 👩🏻🏫#TedXArkansas 🎤
I’ve been thinking about how so-called “beauty” can be just as much a curse as a blessing. I was often noticed for my looks…I was envied, coveted, or lusted after…but never loved. I was named a “Muse” by several men who wrote songs for me, made giant paintings of me, photographed me, etc. — but in the end, it was very empty. They weren’t seeing the TRUE me. They never got past my exterior, and they didn’t try or care to.
These thoughts have inspired a couple of recent poems, including this one…⬇️
“Muse, the M Is Silent”
I’m very lucky to have lived longer than Miss Marilyn Monroe, and to have gained some powerful insight along the way. I’m lucky to have done years of work on myself…in counseling and therapy, both individually and in a group setting. I’m lucky that I’m learning to appreciate and love who I REALLY am. I’m lucky I’ve realized that my WORTH does not come from how I am perceived through someone else’s eyes.
And now, as I head into my later years, I see that I can finally be FREE. I am free to be who I truly am, not feeling obligated to “seduce” or “impress”…not needing to seek validation outside of myself. I never needed to…but now I actually KNOW that. 💪🏼👏🏼 🙌🏼
So yes, while life is often painful and bittersweet in the way that it reveals its greater truths, I mostly feel lucky. 🍀
And look at all the luck I’ve got in my backyard!…my “Lucky Clover Streak” continues:
So…what did I do for this birthday?
I had a week of celebrations with different people — friends and family. Lots of FOOD. Good meals and good times with those I love…
⬇️ We went to see some animals ♥️💫
⬆️ Okay…the LAST thing I needed to see was a TERMITE mound. 😳😱
⬇️ I also went digging for crystals. I played in the dirt for HOURS. 👏🏼⛏💎
⬆️ What a view at the top of those mountains of red dirt! ⛰ Arkansas turns so GREEN as summer approaches. 🌱🌿🌲
⬇️ The natural wonders in my backyard also continue to amaze me. Look at some of the LIFE found right around my house…✨
So many creatures and plants to watch every day…and that’s without mentioning the many different BIRDS that I feed and study. 🐦💛
Yes…I’m lucky, indeed.
I recently unpacked my crystals to see what I had…
⬆️ This is how they look straight-from-the-ground, when they are covered in iron deposits and rusty, red clay stains.
I knew I’d have to give them an acid bath for deep cleaning. ⬇️
I mostly had small pieces and points, but here is what they looked like after cleaning (held up in sunlight, so you can see the facets)…⬇️
Many of them were surprisingly clear. ✨ If only I could find a larger one, completely intact. One day. ⛏
The best present I received? 🎁
This gag gift…a small, stuffed-animal “bearskin” rug. It came in the mail, from a friend who’d joked that I need a bearskin rug for future “romantic moments” in front of my new fireplace. When I first opened the package, I almost hyperventilated from laughing so hard… ⬇️
Also…another cause for celebration around the time of my birth?
I BECAME FULLY VACCINATED, BABY! 🎉 🥳 💉 🍾
Here’s to another year, hopefully HEALTHY…and one in which I live strong and happy, standing firm in the knowledge that I AM ENOUGH, just as I am.
And so are you. #YouAreEnough
CHEERS to each of us living our best life. 🥂
xo,
Jenn ☺️
Jenn Howe 